Ok, the following post is a little morbid and I don't want to alarm some of you out there but I just wanted to write it down. I'll probably delete it later on so read it now or weep forever :)
On the weekend I read a heartbreaking article in the Australian Magazine about author Matthew Reilly and his life since his wife died last year. I also found myself watching Australian Story last night which featured Diana Bliss and significant others talking of her life before her untimely death a few months ago. It occurred to me that the stories were very similar and that both of these women were very loved with lives that were seemingly perfect from the outside. What drives them to the point where they just cannot bear it anymore? I do not know.
I'm not going around focusing on depressed people, I just happened to stumble on both of these stories, and they piqued my interest in seeing if I could get some insight into this illness. I don't feel suicidal AT ALL but am mildly petrified of waking up one day and having my brain making a rather bad decision for me. I do not understand how I can think something one day and then the very next day I am shocked at the thought. So I always say sleep on it.
Highly positive HM has been put through the wringer a few times now. He's endured two post-natal depressions and about three grief-related depression periods. It does not get any easier for him each time. In fact it gets harder. The only thing he can do is remember that a depressed person in the real grip of it does not know what they are saying. They are irrational. Someone once told him that You cannot rationalise irrational behaviour. This is very true.
The kids know it too. They feed off their depressed mother's moods and when that person is not there in the capacity they should be, they push harder and harder for the love and attention which often makes me more depressed. It can be a vicious circle.
It doesn't matter how much I ignore the little peeps I know that they will turn around and love me at any given moment and I feel such guilt about the times I have not been there for them.
We discussed how we could avoid another bout of depression. We tried to think of EVERYTHING. But really there is nothing that can truly keep it at bay and often you are kidding yourself--it's kind of like cheating in a pilot's exam. You might pass the exam but you could die flying a plane.
I know this post is a bit morose and not in the usual sarcastic, rambling vein but I just thought I would share how hard it is for the people who have to live with a depressed person. It's a bit of a thank you to them.
I am feeling pretty good by the way and the only way is up. This is despite the long-haired Barnstormer giving herself a somewhat dramatic haircut during one of our craft sessions this morning. While I was horrified at the time, I've since realised it's kind of cute to have two half lengths down the sides. At the risk of ripping off Crappy Pictures it looks like this: