Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Reflection

It's very late. I'm supposed to be working while the household sleeps. And I've just about nailed one of my books that had a deadline some weeks ago! Anyway, here I am watching Dateline and again, hoping my little Christmas Island buddy is mentally OK up there with all that craziness.

I've been reflecting of late.
I've been thinking how much better I feel since I started this blog. I don't feel anywhere near as melancholic as the past few months. I'm too scared to even read some of my earlier posts.

I feel really good. I've got so much to look forward to. But I still miss my friend. A lot. So much so that I've realised there is something from stopping me from getting down to her neck of the woods to see my other very good friend. My long-suffering dearest, bestest friend since aged 5. But hopefully this Friday. Hopefully.

I also miss my OTHER FRIENDS who are no longer walking on this planet. I hate the fact that some people have to die young for whatever reason. And I shudder to think what they must think, if they are looking down from that great cocktail bar in the sky, when they see me moping about depressed and miserable with my life that has nothing wrong with it. Wouldn't they love to give me a good kick. Even I would like to give me a good kick, upon reflection.

If only my brain didn't have to go through those periods. I'm ashamed that I have spent days, even weeks, possibly whole YEARS like that. Where nothing makes you feel good.


I thank all my lovely friends who have been such a good support. And my current beautiful family and my 'original' beautiful family.
And all I can say, is that if you are feeling blue, do go and get help. It can so easily be treated. And when I am feeling like that again in the future--and yes, it's inevitable that this will recur--SOMEONE please tell me that I am back there in that horrid place so that I can acknowledge it and move on up again. HM tells me, and tells me and tells me and tells, but I take AGES to listen. We always think we are prepared for NEXT TIME but invariably, there's that nonsense again and days and days of madness. Those crazy months of me in some weird land. That no one else is allowed into. Irrational World. And it's IMPOSSIBLE trying to rationalise anything with an irrational person.

And then when I am good. EVERYONE is good.

Even the kids did the right thing tonight at bedtime.
 Beat the blues, tell a friend or tell me or at least look up BEYOND BLUE.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love this post not because of you baring your soul but because you recognize your own fallibility ! For those of us who have lost best friends young I too hear my friends whisper and sometimes shout saying " you're alive; you're kicking, you have two healthy children and a fab relationship! What the fucks wrong with you"!! To which I reply to the heavens " I'm just doing the best I can Hun"


My best friend in heaven keeps me now super positive!! Positive attitude, thoughts , universe etc. after all what do I have to complain about living the true dream in cote d'azur . So I drive along the coast road as often as I can to remind myself of the heaven I live in and what my beloved friend lost out on.

You are a wonderful, amazing. Authentic, genuine, truly beautifull person and I love you to bits even after 20 years!!!!

Keep positive and fight the demon; it truly is a 'wonderful life'!

Love and hugs
The pom

Insane Jane said...

You're guardian angel Jo is looking after you at all times. She would love what you're doing right now. xxx

LEON said...

Glad you are feeling good about yourself even though sad things happen and it hurts to lose loved ones. I enjoy your writing very much and am glad that you find it theraputic.
Today is the six months anniversary of the sudden death of one of my very best mates.

Insane Jane said...

I hope he is having a few red wines in the great cocktail bar in the sky. I am sure he is 'raising eyebrows' whatever he is doing!

And I hope you have a red wine to commemorate the six month anniversary. xx

Mummy in Disguise said...

Beautiful post Jane. The loss of a loved one at any age can make us reassess and look at our own lives and how we can make things better. Unfortunately having a brain that is wired differently to every now and then fall into a place where irrational negativity rules, through no fault of our own or anyone else around us, makes the gift of treasuring and truly living life a difficult experience.
BUT, knowing yourself and understanding your illness, as well as having the right love and support around you is such a blessing. It pulls me back everytime, sometimes a little later than I would have hoped, but I come back all the same.

Take care of yourself lovely lady - if only to continue this (mental health) blogging journey with me!! lol
xoxo

Anonymous said...

I love you Jane :)
God knows I've had my share of mental health problems in the past, with crippling anxiety etc in my late teens and twenties. I totally agree that when things don't feel right, go and get help. And the stigma associated with mental health issues needs to end. You are a total inspiration to me, and I love how honest and real this blog is. See you tomorrow. Love, Nat xxx

Kelly Hudson said...

I think the first thing we need to do is stop beating ourselves up for getting depression. Amazing what a horrid shameful little secret we tend to treat it as. We suffer along trying our hardest not to be depressed and shying away from the world. I've had depression several times and have done all of these things. I wonder why we feel so guilty about it? Would we feel this guilty if we had some physical disease? would we berate ourselves and despise ourselves so much if we had breast cancer? Or would we accept that circumstance and genetics and personal tendencies have lead us into a bad place and now we need some assistance to get out. No different really. The VERY BEST THING TO DO FOR DEPRESSION is talk about it. I tell many people that I've been depressed or am depressed. They are always amazed - I'm one of those shiny happy depressives who smiles all the damn time so no one can see it. But the more we share it, the more good we do for other people also suffering in silence. Because silence is what makes depression a killer. It can be beaten. Its not easy. Sometimes you do EVERYTHING right and it still comes back. Que sera. So does the flu. and you can beat that too with the right drugs and some good preventative measures.

I think we should have National I'm a Depressive Day where we all stand up and go yes, i get depression. hmm possibly while wearing stupid hats..ooh or holding a black dog or at least a coloured ribbon.. what sort of colour could we use? Black..? SUCH a cliche.. i tend to see my depression as a rather sickly necrotic green colour..

Insane Jane said...

I like that idea, Kelly. Holding a black dog - hilarious! I think the colour I imagine is deep dark purple.
I kept my depression hidden for ages too. AGES. I was always putting on a happy face and drinking lots of champagne! But it's much better out in the open. Great comment!

kelly said...

He he maybe we all put little ribbons on said black dog and drag it around..possibly kicking it every so often ..ooh perhaps not that pesky RSPCA might not see the funny side .